


The Guitar Player and Me

by Cheepygirl



Series: The Guitar Player and Me [1]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, BDSM, Disabled Character, Dom Brian May, F/M, Queen band - Freeform, Safe Sane and Consensual, Subspace, Top Brian May, dialysis, gentle kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:49:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27388996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheepygirl/pseuds/Cheepygirl
Summary: A kidney patient and a fictional Brian May meet randomly and he introduces her to safe kink. For this story, he is in his thirties, but the story takes place present day. He is not married, and he travels to NY frequently.I wanted the kink scenes in this book to follow the rule of SSC - Safe, Sane, and Consensual. I also wanted him to be a gentle Dom, perfect for introducing a newbie to the scene.This book is highly character driven, as opposed to smut driven.If you see anything that is truly wrong, or something I can make better, don't hesitate to let me know!
Relationships: Brian May/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Guitar Player and Me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000827
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	1. Hospital

I met him in the hospital. That's really strange, isn't it? People meet in bars, or at school or church. Not usually in the hospital. I wasn't very sick but I became dehydrated. Then my electrolytes went out of whack. So to be on the safe side, I got to spend a few nights in the hospital.

I had a roommate. Nice old lady, even though she didn't know where she was or even recognize her own family. Quite sad really. At least she wasn't a yeller and kept her TV at a minimum level at night. Did I tell you I've been in the hospital before? A few times actually. I've had my share of roommates.

Once a roommate's family member was being so verbally abusive to her that I couldn't stop myself from saying something. I wonder what happened to that old lady. The nurses moved me to another room and kicked him out.

But this lady was sweet. She called everyone dear or lovie, and had an English accent. When the nurses would come in, she liked to tell them stories about being in England during World War 2. Only she always just called it "the war." She thought everyone (including me) were children. She had been a teacher for so many years that she slipped back into that role without even knowing.

Being in the hospital is mostly just boring. Especially if you don't watch TV and don't get many visitors. I actually don't have many in-person friends anyway. I'm kind of a loner and very much an introvert. My favorite place to be is my own home, where it is quiet. Occasionally I wanted company, but other people always made me tired and in need of recharging.

I read somewhere that people like me made up about 3 percent of the general population, but made up a majority of internet users. I wish I could find that article again, or anything else to substantiate this, but from my experience it kind of seemed to be true. I was the kid who read encyclopedias for fun. My mom would make me go outside and play when I was little because she thought it wasn't healthy for me to stay in my room reading all the time. My favorite things were my books.

There was an old episode of Twilight Zone where this man wanted nothing more than time to read his books. I don't remember too much about that episode, but life and other people were making it where he wasn't able to read. Then was some kind of disaster. Either a nuclear disaster or something, I don't remember. He was in a vault when it happened so he was okay, and when he came out he realized all he had was time. Time and his books. He was so happy. But then the worst thing happened, and his glasses broke. So he couldn't read his books anymore. That was so sad and I actually cried.

I easily have a hundred e-books on my phone, and several hundred songs. It goes with me every place, and I have charger cords in every room at home and one in my purse for when I have to be away. And this phone charging thing is how I met him.

I had gotten the cord tangled and accidentally yanked it out of the wall. This made me groan and silently swear. I had already done this more than once. I knew I was going to have to get up and crawl behind the bed to plug it back in. Yes, I could have called a nurse, but I figured they had real sick people to take care of and didn't need to be bothered with my phone troubles.

So as I was pulling the tray table out of the way, and getting ready to move the chair so I could reach the plug, he walked in. I recognized him immediately. How could I not? Those curls! I wanted to touch his hair. I told myself to get a grip and don't be a groupie. He wasn't here to see me, and he especially wasn't here so I could play with his hair.

I resumed my work pulling the chair away from the wall, and he looked over at me. "Can I give you a hand there, with, whatever you are trying to do?" God, his voice. He sounded exactly like he did on his Instagram posts and in YouTube videos.

"Um, no, actually, I'm ok," I rambled on like the groupie I was trying not to be. "Just have to plug my phone back in."

By that point I was finished, and noticed he was smiling at me. At me! As hideous as I was, wearing old sweat pants and a t-shirt, my hair absolutely needing to be washed, and not having a proper shower for 3 days. Yes, very attractive.

"Well, at least let me move the furniture back for you. I'm sure they haven't got you in here so you can move furniture around."

And before I could say anything, he was right next to me, moving a chair and a table.

He extended his hand. "I'm Brian."

"I know," I said, then screamed at myself inside. Stop being an idiot, I told myself. "I'm Marissa."

"Marissa, that's lovely," he said back to me.

"Well, it's not like I chose it or anything," I started in my usual smart-ass way, then realized what I was doing. "But, thank you." I added.

Just then a nurse entered the room with a rolling computer cart. "Betty, I have some medicine for you," she gently woke up the elderly woman. "And it looks like you have a visitor."

"I do?" She looked around. "Oh hello dear," she said to Brian. "Thomas is out back working in the garden. He'd love to see you."

The nurse left the room and Brian looked over to me. I gently shook my head no, but apparently he didn't get what I was trying to say.

"Betty, Thomas has been gone for years," he tried to orient her.

"That can't be right," she seemed lost in thought. "No, he's in the garden. I need to get his dinner ready. He'll be wanting to eat soon."

"Betty, it's Brian," he tried again, "Harold and Ruth's son."

"Well, now I know you are fibbing. Brian is just a baby. I don't know who you are or what you want, but you aren't a very nice man trying to trick me."

He backed away from her bed. "Okay, I'm sorry ma'am, I must be mistaken."

I could tell he felt pretty bad for upsetting her.

"She'll be fine," I told him. "In 15 minutes she won't even remember this conversation. The nurses have pretty much just gone along with what she thinks so they don't upset her."

"that makes sense, yes" he said.

"You came a long way to see someone who doesn't even know you," I felt bad for him.

"I was already in New York on some business so it wasn't that far really."

"Like a 3 hour drive!" I couldn't believe he would drive 3 hours to visit someone in the hospital.

Betty was drifting back to sleep, so Brian moved to my side of the room and sat in the before mentioned chair. He gave me the sweetest, most adorable look and asked me, "Do you know where I can get some coffee?"

I laughed and said, "yeah. I do. Sometimes the nurses have coffee, but it depends on how busy they are. I have barely seen anyone come in this room today so I assume they're pretty busy with other patients. There is a cafe near the main entrance downstairs, but don't go there. It's too expensive. Go all the way to the basement to the cafeteria. It's open to the public as well as hospital staff."

He gave me an inquisitive look and asked, "how many times have you been in this hospital anyway?"

"Too many." I answered back.

He stood up to leave. "What can I bring you, love?"

I was surprised. I thought he was leaving. "You're coming back?"

"Why not?" He said. " Now what can I bring you?"

"Diet soda. With caffeine. Don't care what kind as long as it has caffeine. They only have ginger ale around here and I have the worst headache from caffeine withdrawal." I looked at him. "Don't even say it. I used to drink a 2 liter bottle of Diet Pepsi every day. Now I'm down to one can a day. Okay, sometimes two. But it's still progress."

"It is," he agreed with me. "But that's terrible stuff.'

"I agree. But caffeine addiction is a real thing."

He smiled and laughed. At me! At what I said! I made Brian May laugh! What could possibly make this day any better?

What made my day much better was while Brian was gone, my doctor came in and told me I could go home. I was so ready to be out of that place. I wanted a real shower, non-hospital food, and my own bed. I started gathering my stuff as soon as the doctor left. I was putting on my shoes when Brian came back.

"Running away?" He asked me, grinning.

"Totally." I answered. "The doctor was just in. As soon as the nurse brings the discharge papers I am a free woman. They can get me a taxi and I will be out of here."

He looked concerned. "Don't you have anyone to pick you up?"

"It's ok." I smiled, taking the drink from him. "I'm kind of a loner. I do _have_ friends, they just live all over the country. Some of them have even met me!"

I loved making him smile. I was trying to burn his smile into my brain so I could remember it later.

"Well, that seems silly, love," he was still smiling. "I can drive you."

My heart was leaping in my chest. My brain was telling me to say no. Even though he was famous, he was still a stranger.

"I really can't impose on you like that."

"I just drove three hours to visit a woman who thinks I am still a baby. Do you really think giving you a ride is imposing?"

"Well," I thought about it.

"No." He answered his own question. "It is not imposing on me. Now tell me you will let me drive you home."

"Okay then." It didn't take much to convince me, did it?

Heart, you are such a slut.


	2. Home

I set my travel bag down so I could unlock the door. Brian immediately picked it up and carried it inside.

"You have a lovely flat Marissa."

I couldn't help but giggle at his use of the word flat instead of apartment.

"Thank you." I said. "It's little, but it suits me."

We just stood there and stared at each other like idiots.

'So..." We both said at the same time.

He gestured for me to go ahead.

"Are you driving back tonight?"

"I had planned on it when I started this trip. Now I think maybe I will find a room for the night. Leave when I am not so tired."

"You won't find one." I said quickly, then added, "Summer? Track season? All the rich people coming up from the city to spend their money."

"Oh," he said quietly. "I hadn't thought about that."

"I mean, you might find a room, but it'll be in some really crappy place that will charge you five times what it's worth and that's before they figure out who you are."

My heart and brain were at battle again. Heart was telling me he could stay here. With me. On the pull-out of course. Brain was screaming at me that you don't invite strangers to sleep at your place, even if you do have a fairly comfortable pull-out.

"You can stay here," I said as my brain screamed and my heart pounded. "I mean, I have a pull out couch. It's pretty comfortable. Then you can go see Betty again before you leave tomorrow."

 _Right Marissa, that's why you want him to stay. So he can visit the old lady who thinks he is still a baby_. I told my brain to shut up.

"I don't want to impose," he said, grinning and throwing my own words back at me.

Oh my God was he really flirting with me?

"But I owe you one for the ride. It's no imposition. Just say yes, you'll stay."

Where had my boldness come from?

"Okay then. I'll stay." He smiled.

God he was cute.

<<<<~>>>>

"okay," I said, "make yourself at home. I'm taking a shower. I have three days of hospital grime to wash off."

I hurried in the shower, not wanting to miss time with Brian. I dressed in black leggings and a long t-shirt. Not glamorous, but it's clean and comfortable. I looked in the mirror as I ran some gel through my hair. Good enough, I thought. I haven't worn makeup in years. Maybe I should get a makeover. Or a haircut.

I hung my towel up and walked quietly into the other room. The sun had gone down while I was in the shower. It was almost dark except for the TV that Brian had turned on.

"What are you watching?" I asked, as I sat on the other end of the couch.

"Not sure really. These children are baking and apparently it's some sort of contest."

We watched for a few minutes.

"How do they even know how to do that?" I asked. "If you don't get the proportions right you just have a big mess. What even is a patachou?"

"It's kind of a dough or batter. To make eclairs."

Ok, so apparently I am the only person who doesn't know what patachou is.

"You look adorable," he said, looking at me. Well, that was totally out of the blue. I sighed and made a face.

"I don't want to be adorable. Women in general don't want to be adorable or cute. We want to be sultry or sexy."

Yep, time for a makeover.

And a haircut.

And new clothes.

"I like adorable," he said softly. "Come sit with me."

I slid over next to him.

"Marissa, you are sexy and sultry." He took my hand and began drawing circles with his thumb.

I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm.

"Am I making you nervous?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered, and hated myself for it.

He leaned in and whispered, "Don't be."

He took his hand off mine and ran it through my hair.

Yep. He found my weakness. 

I leaned into him so he would keep doing it.

"You like that?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"You want me to stop?"

"No." He took his hand away.

"No, what?"

I thought a second.

"No, please?"

"No please, Brian." His voice was firm. "Say it."

I didn't hesitate. "No please, Brian. Please don't stop."

He put his hand back in my hair and grinned.

"Good girl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the pastry dough is actually spelled "pat a choux," but for the sake of the story spelled it as Marissa would have heard it.


	3. Roller Coaster

Now the battle was between body and brain. It was too late for heart.

I shivered when he called me a good girl. Actually shivered. And yeah, he noticed.

He smiled and pulled me into him more. He was still playing with my hair. He used his other hand to turn my face to look at him. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he just looked at me.

"Marissa," he said my name.

I loved the way he said it. Like my name was something special. Like _I_ was something special.

"Marissa, are you with me, love?"

I nodded.

Mistake.

He took his hands away and said in a firmer voice, "I asked you a question. You know how to answer me."

I had to catch my breath. Why was it affecting me so much when he said things like that? I tried again.

"Yes, Brian, I'm still with you."

"That's better," he whispered, returning his hands where they had been. And he kissed me. It was soft and gentle. I wanted more. He looked right into my eyes and said, "a little reward for making me happy."

Holy crap I was flying. I wanted more. More of, well, anything he would give me. I would say his name a thousand times for another kiss.

"Marissa." I was jolted back to reality. I just looked at him, not trusting my mouth to say anything intelligible. "We need to talk about some stuff before this goes any further."

Yeah, here's where he's going to tell me he is famous and has money and I am nothing, and if I told anyone about this I would be sorry. My brain was back to working overtime.

He touched my face. "You look scared again, love. Please don't be. I won't hurt you. I just want to be sure we are on the same page. And we both understand the rules."

Rules. Here we go. I was so confused. I wanted him so badly. I didn't even care what rules he imposed. Mostly.

"You need to pay attention, Marissa." He said in a stern voice. "I need to know what your safe word is."

"Safe word? I don't even know what that means," I admitted.

I felt kind of stupid. It seemed really important to him, like something I should know.

"Have you ever been in a dominant and submissive relationship?"

I was immediately horrified. That's what he wanted from me?

"Tell me what you are thinking."

"I just," I stalled, not sure what to say, "The only thing I know about it is from a book and I don't think it's for me."

I was crying on the inside.

He pulled me closer to him so I was looking right into his eyes. He was so beautiful.

"I told you I won't hurt you. I mean it. I think I know what book you mean, and it was a terrible representation of how things should be."

"How is it supposed to be?"

He took a breath. "You are in control. No matter what. If you say stop, we stop. No questions."

"Okay," I waited for more.

"Did you ever go on a roller coaster?"

"Sure," I answered, although the closest thing to a rollercoaster I had been on was a log ride a long time ago. I didn't like heights and I hated the sensation of falling.

He continued. "It's scary, but you know you are perfectly safe." He took my hand, "You know how some rides are totally controlled by the operator? You don't know when it will drop or flip, and it can be frightening. But you have trust in the operator and all the people who designed and built it. And after the ride is finished, you are laughing and happy?"

"Okay," I was still trying to understand.

"That feeling is from endorphins. Your body releases them when it thinks there is stress or pain, and they activate an opiate receptor in your brain. In other words, endorphins make you feel good."

He smiled at me.

"I think I know what you mean. Like a runner's high."

"Exactly." He squeezed my hand. "The difference is, when you play, or scene as it's called, somebody gets to ride the rollercoaster and somebody else gets to be the operator."

He got a serious look on his face. "What didn't you like in that book?"

That was an easy question. "He hurt her. Physically and emotionally. He didn't stop when she wanted him to. He used his money and acted like he owned her. I hated it. Never read past the first book."

"It doesn't work that way in real life, love. At least not in a healthy relationship. Nothing is ever done without your permission, and you always have the power to stop things."

"The safe word?"

"Yes," he smiled. "My good girl is a fast learner too."

More shivers.

"So how do I pick a safe word?" I was starting to get a bit curious now.

"Let's just go with the easiest one. Red means stop. Yellow means slow down. And green means keep going. You need to remember them."

"Okay," I answered.

I was really failing at this language thing. I understood Brian, but coming up with my own words was getting more difficult.

"But, why me?" I asked, "I mean, why did you pick me? Why do you think I can do this?"

He laughed and said, "First, you're adorable. Second, I didn't plan on it. I really thought I was just going to drive you home. Third, you are so responsive."

He ran his fingers along my thigh, which caused me to catch my breath. He tangled his other hand in my hair and pulled gently. Without even knowing it, I made a strange whimpering sound. He seemed to like it.

"So my good girl likes it to hurt a little?"

"Yes. No. I think. I don't know."

He smiled at me. "It's okay baby. Did it feel good when I pulled your hair?"

"Yes," I said.

Then I corrected myself. "Yes, Brian."

"Such a good girl to remember how to answer me. I just want to take care of you. Tell me you want it too."

"Yes Brian, please."

He tangled his hand in my hair as he kissed me. No more light sweet kisses. This was starting to get intense.

He pulled on my hair and broke the kiss, only to move his mouth to my cheek, my neck, my shoulder. He stopped kissing me and said, "such pretty little sounds my good girl is making."

I wasn't even aware that I was making sounds. I tensed up.

"No, baby," he said to me. "Don't hold back."

He ran his hands down my back, then to the front of my shirt. I moved my arms to cover the lower part of my shirt, hoping he would just leave it alone.

"Marissa, what is this under your shirt? What don't you want me to see?"

Damn he was perceptive. I wasn't ready for this conversation. Not that it's a secret, exactly. I just wasn't ready to share everything. I just wanted one night without being afraid of rejection because of a medical thing attached to me.

"It's tubing," I said, hoping he would accept my answer and not keep pressing me. "It's ok. It's taped up. doesn't bother anything."

"What's it for?"

"It's just a medical device. It's ok, really."

Damn, why didn't he understand that I really wasn't ready to share this with him.

He paused and took a deep breath. I couldn't tell if he was angry, annoyed, or what he was feeling.

"Did you mean it when you said you would let me take care of you?" he asked me.

"Yes." My voice was barely a whisper.

This was not going well.

He took my hand in both of his.

"You need to trust me. I told you I would never hurt you. Whatever it is, just tell me. Please."

I hesitated.

"Marissa." Now he really was getting annoyed with me.

"Okay. Crap. I didn't want to tell you yet."

"Obviously. Now go ahead," he encouraged.

I decided to just say it. If he rejected me because of it, I would deal with it.

"My kidneys don't work very well. So I hook up to a machine at night that does what they are supposed to do."

He surprised me by wrapping me up in a tight hug.

"I told you. You don't need to be afraid of me."

I felt like crying. Not because I was sad, but because he was so wonderful and was making me feel so cared for. And accepted.

"I'm proud of you for sharing that with me." He was holding me tight against him. "You are very strong and very brave."

"I'm not brave," I told him. "Sometimes I am scared out of my mind. But what's the alternative? You do what you have to do to stay alive." I couldn't believe he was being so understanding.

"So when do you have to connect to your machine?" He asked me.

"I normally set it up in the afternoon, but I wasn't home yet. And I should have connected about an hour ago, but I -"

"But what?" That stern aggressive voice was back.

"I was going to skip tonight."

"Are you supposed to skip nights?"

"Not really, no." I couldn't even look at him.

"Is that why you were in the hospital? Because you were skipping treatments? Be honest with me."

He looked disappointed.

"No!" I shouted. "If you must know, I got too dehydrated."

I was angry. Beyond angry.

"Besides, I just fucking met you! What gives you the right to tell me what I should do?"

"You did."

<<<<~>>>>

Brian sat with me while I set up the machine, and even asked questions. He seemed really interested.

"Once I hook up, I'm kind of stuck in this room for the next 6 hours. I can reach the bathroom, but that's it."

He grinned and said, "so you can't run away from me."

I was nervous, but I really didn't _want_ to run away from him.

I connected myself and pressed the button to start the treatment. Then I flopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

He layed down next to me, then looked at me saying, "You're still nervous?"

"Little bit, yes."

"Please don't be. I just want you to feel good. If it doesn't feel good, there is no point in doing it. wait - I have an idea."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Close your eyes."

"Why?"

He answered sternly, "Because I asked you to."

I loved when he talked to me like that. Gentle, but totally in control at the same time. It made me shiver, and if I'm being completely honest, it turned me on.

"Take slow deep breaths, and listen to my voice. Let everything else fall away.

"You are completely safe. and totally content.

"Breathe in slow.

"Now breathe out slow.

"A few more times. In and out. There you go.

"I want you to scrunch up your hands and feet and squeeze really tight. Go ahead, there's a purpose to it."

My eyes were closed but I could tell he was smiling. I made my hands into fists so tight they almost hurt. My toes too. For some reason, I really wanted to do what he was asking me to do. I wanted to make him happy.

"Okay let go now. Relax your hands and feet. Notice how all the tension is immediately gone? They feel heavy, so relaxed."

"Yes."

"Stay focused on your breathing and let that heavy comfortable feeling move from your hands

"to your arms,

"Your shoulders,

"Across your chest,

"Down over your stomach,

"Keep breathing, nice and slow, in, and, out.

"You still with me, Marissa?"

"Yes."

"Feeling okay so far?"

"Really good."

"I'm glad.

"So when you are ready, I want you to do the same thing with your feet.

"Feel the heaviness, and let it move up your legs

"Your calves,

"Your knees,

"Your thighs,

"Letting it meet at your belly, relaxing your entire body.

"Last of all is your face. Try to scrunch your face muscles, but you are already so comfortable it doesn't really work."

He was right. I wasn't sure if I couldn't move or if I just didn't _want_ to. Either way, I felt like I was floating. I didn't think this was the endorphins he was talking about but it felt amazing.

I was drifting off into my own pleasure space when he spoke. "It feels good to be relaxed, doesn't it?"

"Mmmm."

"Can you find words, Marissa? Without leaving the place you are at, see if you can find words to answer me. What are you feeling?"

My brain didn't want to work. I didn't want to find words, didn't want to speak. I just wanted to float. But I also wanted to make Brian happy. So I would try.

"It's.. it's all so strange."

"How is it strange?" he asked.

"My body feels kind of disconnected. Floaty maybe. I feel so calm, and happy. I like it here."

"Look around your floaty happy place. Can you describe it?"

"Mountains. Flowers. And there are birds. Ravens. I wonder what it would be like to fly with them."

"Let's find out then. Can I be there with you, Marissa?"

"Yessss."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yessss."

"What's my name?"

"Brian."

"Good girl. Let's fly with the ravens."

And we did.

"I have you. You are totally safe with me. How do you feel?"

"It's amazing. Everything is so beautiful."

"Do you like the way this feels?"

"Yessss."

"Say my name, love."

"Yes, Brian."

"Good girl. It makes me happy when you say my name. Can you remember to do that?"

"Yes, Brian."

"Do you feel safe with me now?"

"Yes." And I actually did.

"Ok, let's come back. As slow as you want to, love. Take your time.

"When you are ready, you can be back in your body, in your room, lying on your bed just like before. All the good and calm feelings are still with you. You might even feel it stronger because now you can feel it in your body too, not just your mind."

"Mmmm"

"Words, Marissa?"

"No words. Just feels so good."

"Are you back with me?"

"Yes Brian. That was amazing."

"You aren't scared now, are you?"

"No."

He looked at me. I knew I didn't answer him correctly. I didn't say his name. I liked when he told me to say it. It made me catch my breath and feel tingly.

"Brian?"

"Yes love, what would you like?"

"Take me on that roller coaster. Please."


	4. Control

I wanted more. More of what? I didn't know. He just made me feel so good and I didn't want that feeling to go away.

Kissing him was magic. I could feel my whole body reacting to him. I was still lying on my bed. I tried to reach for him, to pull him into me.

"No." He said. He took both of my hands and held them down on the bed over my head. And damn that was hot.

"I'm in control. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Brian." But I wanted to make sure.

"Except if --"

He cut me off. "If you use a safe word. Do you remember them?"

"Yes, Brian."

He brushed my hair out of my face. "You're so good to remember how to answer me. Such a good girl."

He kissed me again, more aggressively, and bit my lower lip, making me whimper. Then he ran his tongue over it and I didn't know what to feel. It hurt and felt good at the same time.

He took his hand off mine and I immediately wanted it back.

"I don't have anything to hold your hands down where I want them, so you're going to have to be a good girl and keep them there. Do you understand me?"

I nodded, and he glared at me. I would have been afraid had I not trusted him so much.

"You know better. Try. Again."

"Yes, Brian, I understand. I won't move my hands away."

"That's better."

I wondered if he knew what it was doing to me when he said things like that. Probably. He was pretty perceptive. I could feel and hear the change in my own breathing. And I started feeling squirmy, restless. It was so hard to be still.

Although. He did only tell me to keep my _hands_ and _arms_ still.

He started to run his fingers under the hem of my shirt.

I couldn't stop myself. I arched up and tried to press my body into him.

"You obviously _want_ to be punished," He said. "I told you to stay still."

"No, you only told me to keep my _hands_ and _arms_ still."

I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why was I talking back to him? I clenched my mouth shut, wishing I could use a hand to cover it.

"You like being a brat?" He grinned at me. He was _enjoying_ that I was getting myself in trouble!

"No, Brian, I don't want to be a brat, I don't even know why I said that, I'm sorry, I want to make you happy, really I do." It was all one long rambling sentence.

"You know," he said, "I came really close to punishing you when I found out you were planning on skipping treatment tonight."

"Why didn't you?"

Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? I wanted to be good. I wanted to make Brian happy. Why was I doing this? What was wrong with me?

"I didn't because you were going to skip it because I was here. I kind of felt responsible."

I looked down. "I knew I shouldn't skip treatments."

He just looked at me.

"Brian?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Will you?"

"Punish you?"

I nodded. I could not believe I was wanting this. Asking for it even.

"Are you sure, baby?"

"Yes."

His controlling, aggressive voice was back.

"Then ask me for it. The right way."

Words. Had to get words from my brain to my mouth. And they had to make sense. Why was speaking so hard?

"Please Brian will you punish me for wanting to skip treatment and for being a brat? I don't understand why I want it, I don't understand any of this, I just --"

"Shhhh baby." He cut me off again. "It's okay." He played with my hair. "I am proud of you. You are a good girl to ask for what you need."

Shit. What had I gotten myself into? Was he going to hurt me? I would have been nervous had I not been so turned on.

"Sit up Marissa, we need to talk about this before anything happens."

Okay, _now_ I was getting nervous.

"How do you think you should be punished?" he asked me.

And now I was embarrassed too.

"I don't know," I said, quietly. "I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed. I don't want you to be mad at me or yell at me."

He lifted my chin so I was looking at him. "I will remember that. I don't want you to be frightened. Ever. You can't trust someone if you are afraid of them.

"Now," he paused. "Do you still want this, or are you using a safe word?"

"I am okay now. I was almost ready to say that I was at yellow, but I'm okay. Nervous, but not afraid."

"If you ever get afraid, use your safe word. We will talk and figure things out."

"Okay."

"Let's see," he started, "there's corner time, writing lines or an essay, spanking ---" he paused, "and that whiny sound you just made told me exactly what you need."

"You won't hurt me?"

"I won't harm you. There is a difference. When I pulled your hair it hurt you, but it didn't harm you. And I think you liked it."

I nodded.

He took my hands. That always helped my nervousness, grounded me.

"I will tell you what I will do. Since it is a punishment, it's not up for negotiation. I just want you to know what to expect. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Brian." At least I was able to keep my mouth shut and not make things worse.

"You will lie on your bed, on your stomach. And you will ask me for what you need."

"Oh God, seriously?"

"Yes. Seriously. I am only going to spank you twice, over your clothes. I don't want to scare you or have it be too much since it's the first time."

I must have made a face, because he said I looked terrified. More like mortified. Embarrassed.

"Unless you are using your safe word, get on with it, Marissa."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck --"

"Another time. And your language doesn't shock me."

Then I got the giggles. I could not stop. Brian glared at me and I could tell he was trying not to smile. Earlier he had said I was brave. I reminded myself that I was in control. I could do this.

He must have known the thoughts going through my mind, because he didn't force me. He gave me time to understand that I had asked for this. I wanted to experience it. And suddenly, I was calm.

I looked at him. "I'm ready Brian. I'm not scared. I trust you. Will you spank me because I need it?"

"Yes, baby girl, I will. Go ahead." He pointed to the bed, and I laid on my stomach.

He asked if I was ready. Yes? No? I don't know. Why was he making me wait? Just do it already.

"Brian, please -- "

(Smack! Smack!)

"fuck! That hurt! Fuck, fuck, --

"ohhhhh wow." I felt like melting into my bed.

"Tell me."

"It hurt. And then it didn't. I'm all mixed up. I don't know if it hurts or feels good. That's not normal."

He grinned at me. "it's perfectly normal."

"Hey, Brian?"

"Yes, Marissa?"

"Can we do that some more?"


	5. Pain and Pleasure

I never understood the whole pain and pleasure thing before. I mean, if it hurts, how can it feel good? But the endorphin thing Brian explained to me?

Real.

And awesome.

He only spanked me two times for punishment. And it hurt. At that second.

Then I felt warm and happy on the inside, and I wanted more. Not necessarily more spanking, but more of the happy feeling. So I asked for more.

Brian asked me if I was sure.

That is something I really liked about him. When we were playing, he always wanted to know where I was and what I was feeling. I never had anyone check in with me like that before, even during regular sex, although to be honest, I haven't had the greatest of partners.

And I honestly don't know what Brian got out of most of it - controlling that rollercoaster seems like an awful lot of work. I wouldn't want to do it. I would be so concerned about the other person that I would still be the submissive one.

I mean, did I give them what they wanted? Did I take them far enough? Too far? Did I give them the care they needed after the scene? But I guess my needs balanced out with his needs.

Even though I don't understand it.

The second spanking, the one I asked for, was different from the first one. It wasn't punishment, and Brian really knew how to make me feel good. He had put pillows on the bed for me to lie over so I was comfortable. And it started so gentle and built up slowly.

Really slowly.

It never hurt.

That seems strange, but it didn't. By the time he started spanking me harder the endorphins had kicked in. It was all pleasure.

Then it started getting sexual.

I had never wanted anyone so much in my life. Brian must have felt the same way.

He started playing with the elastic waist on my leggings. "I should take these down," he said.

Oh. My. God. Why was that the hottest thing anyone had ever said to me my entire life?

I was beyond turned on, yet the thought of having my pants taken down and spanked was still embarrassing. Yet, somehow that embarrassment factor added to how excited I was.

"Do you want that baby? Is that what you want me to do?" He asked me, still toying with the waist band.

"Please don't. I'll be good. I promise, I'll be good."

But I did really want him to do it. 

I had faith in my safe word. He would know when I really wanted him to stop and when I wanted to take things further. I trusted him.

He stopped touching me.

"Color, Marissa."

"Green."

He smacked me once really hard. It didn't hurt me, but the sound of it surprised me and I jumped.

"How do you answer me? Try. Again."

He made a fist in my hair and pulled my head back so he could kiss me.

"Green, Brian. Please. Want more. Please. Need you. Please." I didn't even know if I was making sense.

"Shhhh baby. It's okay." He petted my hair like I was a cat, and let me catch my breath. Then he asked me, "you sure? Green?"

"Green, Brian. Please."

He tugged my leggings down. I wondered if he would leave marks on me that I could see or feel later. I kind of hoped he would.

He kept talking to me. "Look at you, such a bad girl. So wet for me. Who did this to you, baby? Who got you so excited?"

I said his name. I couldn't remember how to say anything else.

He traced his fingers over me and I pushed back to meet his hand.

"Bri please, I need, want, please --"

"Are you going to come for me, sweet girl?"

I was teetering right on the edge. I needed something to help get me over.

"Bri please. Help me. I think, more? Please??" I didn't even know what I was trying to say.

Two hard smacks and I was screaming into my pillow. My whole body shook with the most intense pleasure I had ever felt.

"Don't stop, please Bri, please!"

I was crying and begging.

He petted my hair again. "No, baby, we have to stop for a little bit."

I didn't understand. What did I do wrong? Was I not making him happy?

"You don't know how hard I was hitting you. You are barely feeling it anymore, and I don't think you know when your body has had enough. I have to keep you safe."

I was crying because I didn't want him to stop. And then I started sobbing into my pillow. I felt every emotion I had ever had, all at once.

Completely overwhelmed. I turned onto my side and tried to curl up as tiny as I could become.

He wrapped himself around me, and rocked me until I stopped crying.

"You're such a good girl, Marissa. You make me so happy. How do you feel, baby?"

I just looked at him. He was asking me for words again. I had no words, only feelings. I smiled, and tried to say something, but nothing came out.

"You feel good?" He asked me.

I nodded and smiled. I felt so good. Better even than flying with the ravens. I was floating, and happy, and words didn't matter, and as long as Brian held me and petted my hair, I didn't ever want to come down.

"Welcome to subspace, baby."


	6. Subspace

Subspace.

Submissive space.

Endorphins.

How can I even begin to explain what it felt like?

Brian was still curled up around me, keeping me safe from the world. I breathed in his scent, needing it as much as I needed oxygen to live.

"Are you sniffing me?"

I nodded.

"Can I ask why?"

I just shrugged. Explaining would require words.

I didn't want to move. Didn't want to stretch or leave my Brian cocoon.

It was perfect. Everything was perfect. This was how everything was supposed to be. Nothing else mattered.

Except I had to pee.

Everything even looked different. My tiny bathroom in my tiny apartment was suddenly huge. The brightly colored shower curtain hurt my eyes. And I was thirsty. Really thirsty. My throat was dry and scratchy.

When I finished in the bathroom, I was surprised to see Brian was up too. It was still the middle of the night.

"How do you feel, baby?" he asked me.

"Floaty. Spacy."

"Still feel good?"

"Very good." I answered. "Need some water though."

"You should have some carbs." He guided me back to bed, then left to look through my refrigerator.

"Eat." He returned, handing me a juice box and some crackers.

My mind belonged to him now as much as my body had earlier. He wanted me to eat, therefore I had to eat. There wasn't an option to _not_ do as he asked.

I had never been so content in my entire life.

<<<<~>>>>

I needed to memorize him.

I could see him, and hear his voice, anytime I wanted on Instagram or YouTube. But the way his skin felt to my hands, or his scent, or even his taste against my tongue. I needed to know, so I could remember.

He was cocooned around me again, my face level with his shoulder. I nuzzled into his neck, lightly kissing him.

Then I licked him.

He wasn't as asleep as I thought he was. Apparently licking people wakes them up.

"You are not a cat. What is the sniffing and licking about?" he asked me, throwing me into an instant fit of giggles.

"I need to memorize you. Need to remember this." I gestured around. "All of this."

"I'm not leaving until I know you are fully back from your endorphin trip. Even if I have to change my flight."

He pulled me back into his Brian cocoon, then kissed my shoulder.

"Now I have your scent and taste too," he said, smiling at me.

I was still flying. Still riding the endorphin high. There was no need for words, for language. The only need I had was Brian. I would have been perfectly happy to crawl inside him and leave my own body behind.


	7. Subdrop

I woke up early and disconnected from my cycler machine. Brian was already out of bed.

I found him in the kitchen, cutting up fruit for breakfast. He wrapped me up in a hug.

"Morning love, how do you feel?"

"Not sure," I answered, then added "Do you know how many carbs are in that bowl of fruit?"

"Sit down and eat. You need the carbs today."

"All I need is a Diet Pepsi"

"No. You are off that stuff. It is so bad for you."

"What the fuck? And your coffee is okay?"

"One then," he conceded. "No more. Choose wisely when to have it."

"I'll take my chances and have it for breakfast," I said, popping open the can.

"And food." He was determined.

"Fuck. Okay." I reluctantly sat down and picked up a strawberry.

"Lovely language, Marissa. Not feeling well?"

"I don't know. I feel like something is wrong. I just feel, sad? empty? I can't explain it. I just don't feel right."

"Subdrop. I'll explain while you eat."

I picked out another strawberry and put it in my mouth.

"Remember the endorphins? How they made you feel so good?"

I nodded.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel so good when your body is returning to normal. You were flooded with brain chemicals last night. They wear off."

"You could have told me that last night, Could have warned me."

"You were completely out of it last night."

"Well, what do I do now?" I was being a bitch and I knew it.

"Anything you want to do."

He pointed at my plate, silently telling me to eat.

"I want to not feel like this."

I could feel myself starting to cry, and I was determined not to.

"You should have warned me."

"This doesn't always happen. I wasn't planning on going so far. I made a mistake and let you go too far before I pulled you back. It's completely my fault and you have every right to be angry with me."

"I'm not angry," I sighed. "I want to be, but I'm not. It's just," I paused to get control of my voice. "I never felt anything like I did last night. And now it's gone, and I don't know how to feel good again, and you're leaving tonight, and I'm just all sorts of fucked up."

"No, love, you're not fucked up. What you feel is perfectly normal. We just have to find what helps you feel better."

I sniffed and wiped my face.

"Do you have any chocolate?"

"What?" I giggled, not quite understanding what he was asking.

"You heard me. Chocolate."

"You want chocolate?" I was confused.

"It has chemicals in it," he paused, "you know what, just eat some. You'll feel better."

"And I thought it only helped with dementors," I teased, then added "freezer. Ice cream cups. In back in the bag that says peas."

"Clever girl." He rummaged in the freezer. " _Death by chocolate_ ," he read the container, " _dark chocolate with chocolate swirl, fudge brownie pieces and chocolate chunks_." He handed me a cup.

"Spoon?" He grinned. "Or do you want to just lick it out of the bowl like the cat you were last night?"

"Cats can't have chocolate. Spoon please." I held out my hand.

"Ice cream and Diet Pepsi. Breakfast of champions."

I tried to keep a straight face, but failed, and both of us started to laugh.

"Peas?" He asked, "you live alone. Who are you hiding it from?"

"Myself. If I don't see it, I forget it's there. Until I really want it."

"Good plan."

"Thank you," I said, licking spilled chocolate off my hand.

"There's the cat thing again. You should let me get it next time you spill it on yourself."

"Mmmm"

"And she purrs too," he said, brushing his fingers in my hair.

"I have an idea," he said. "Let's have today be a 'take care of Marissa' day."

I just looked at him.

"I'm serious. Whatever you want to do." He smiled at me. "Let me go make a few calls and then I am all yours."

Well, that sounded like fun. But so did finishing my ice cream. I brought it and my drink into the living room and set everything on the table. My ice cream was making me cold, so I snuggled under my favorite Hello Kitty blanket.

"Okay, love, I'm all yours now," Brian walked into the living room and stopped. "You are seriously adorable. Hello Kitty?"

"What?!" I was prepared to defend Hello Kitty at all costs. "It's warm. And soft. And cute."

"And it matches the other Hello Kitty things in your room?"

"Yeah that too." I said quietly. Then changed my tone,

"wait a minute. I thought it was 'take care of Marissa' day, not 'mock Marissa day.'"

"It is, love. I just find you too adorable."

I rolled my eyes at him.

He stood next to me and touched my face. "You have no idea, do you?"

"What?" I was confused.

"What you do to me. You are adorable and sweet and kind, and I want to protect and take care of you, and then wreck and ruin you." 

I held my breath. I couldn't believe he was saying this.

"Brian, I don't-"

"Don't say anything. The sounds you made for me last night. The look on your face when you said my name. I want you, Marissa. Not just today. I know, it's too soon, but I don't care. I want you to be mine. Now, at least for today, tell me you'll let me take care of you."

I didn't know what to say. He had me shivering again.

"Today?" I asked.

"Today."

"I can't think any further ahead than today."

"I won't ask you to."

"Okay," I agreed. "Today."


	8. Marissa Day

He was right about the chocolate. It was making me feel better. He even let me pick all the strawberries out of the fruit salad and have them for myself.

Take Care of Marissa Day turned out to be mostly watching my favorite movies while cuddling on the couch. I knew it would be fun when I noticed that "The Princess Bride" was about to come on.

"Can we watch this?" I asked him. "I love this movie."

He looked at me, with a totally straight face and said: "As you wish."

I squealed and threw myself into his arms, amazed that he knew the movie as well as I did.

It was fun watching it with someone who also knows every line in the movie. Okay, so I am easily entertained. After the movie ended, Friends came on.

"No." He said. "We have sat through enough TV. Get up. Let's go get dinner somewhere."

I pouted. "But this is the one with the holiday armadillo."

"As lovely as that sounds, you still need to eat. Real food. I need to eat. Choose someplace. Wherever you want to go. I can find something anywhere."

Right. Brian was vegetarian.

The one place I knew that made vegetarian and vegan food was closed. So we just drove around and looked. We finally found someplace. We sat outside on the patio, which overlooked the lake. It was much nicer than the place I originally picked.

"Today turned out to be a good day." I said.

"You sound surprised."

"It didn't start so well. I felt pretty bad when I woke up."

"You feel better now?" He asked me as were getting in the car to come back home. Well, my home. I was just getting used to him being there with me.

"I do feel better yes, thank you. Marissa Day was fun." I smirked at him. "Even if I did miss the one with the holiday armadillo."

He glanced over at me. "You have every season of Friends on DVD."

"Wow."

"What?" He asked.

"You looked at my DVDs?"

"Of course I looked at your DVDs. I looked around at everything in your apartment that doesn't require snooping. I told you how I feel about you. Why wouldn't I want to know everything about you?"

I just looked at him.

"I know," he said. "Too soon. I'll back off."

"Thank you." I took his hand. I really did like him. It was taking every bit of logic I had to keep myself from saying I would be his.

It wouldn't have worked anyway. Geography is a bitch.


	9. Sometimes It Hurts

I had hooked up to my cycler and was sitting on my bed. We had both taken showers, separately, as my tiny shower was barely big enough for one person, let alone two.

He sat next to me, running his fingers through my slightly damp hair. That always felt so good. I closed my eyes.

"Does that hurt you?" He asked me, pointing to my cycler.

"What? Dialysis?"

"Yes."

"Sometimes." I answered. "It isn't horrible though. For me at least. When it hurts, it feels like period cramps. I'm not sure how anyone else would describe the feeling. Some people can't tolerate it. Guess I'm lucky to have a high pain tolerance." I shrugged.

He quirked an eyebrow at me and grinned.

"No!" I started giggling. "That is not what I meant! I don't even like pain."

"Right," he replied, tangling his hand into my hair and gently tugging on it.

I gasped and moaned. Actually moaned. Fuck.

This was so weird. Maybe I was weird because I liked it. Well, I knew I was weird already, but never thought I'd be into the whips and chains and hurt-me kind of stuff. I'm just normal, boring me.

"What are you thinking?" he asked me.

"Not sure," I answered.

"You like this?" He tugged my hair again.

"MmmHmm."

"Words?"

"Yes, Brian, I like it."

"Good girl," he said softly. "It makes me happy that you remember how to answer me."

I wondered why it made me shiver when he said stuff like that.

I felt him shift on the bed and lean into me. He kissed my face, then moved down to my neck. I reached up and pulled him into me.

"Do you want to play, Marissa?" he whispered into my ear.

"Yes."

He grabbed a bunch of my hair and pulled me away from him. "How do you answer me?"

Fuck. If I wasn't turned on before, I definitely was now.

"Yes, Brian, I want to play."

"Good girl."


	10. Play

_"Yes, Brian, I want to play."_

_"Good girl."_

I got shivers every time he said that.

He ran his hand down my face and asked, "Do you remember the words?"

I nodded.

"Marissa, I need to hear that you remember them. You need to say them."

Oh. Well that didn't work.

I deliberately only nodded because I liked how he sounded when he reminded me how to speak to him. I loved hearing the strict-Brian voice.

"Red, yellow, green," I answered. "Like the traffic lights."

"That's right," he said, grabbing a fistful of my hair and tugging it. Hard. "And don't do that again. I don't like being manipulated. You know how to answer me."

I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or playing with me. I looked down at my hands.

"I'm sorry Brian. I wasn't trying to manipulate you. Well, okay. Maybe I was. I didn't think of it that way. I just wanted, I like, I don't know. I like when your voice sounds a certain way."

He was just looking at me. I felt like a two-year old being scolded.

"If you want me to be stricter with you, just ask me, baby." Gentle Brian was back.

I was literally shaking. I wasn't sure how to react.

He reached down to the foot of the bed and picked up my Hello Kitty blanket. I started to ask him what he was going to do, but he interrupted me.

"Don't talk. I'm in control now. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Brian." I was so curious.

"Take your shirt off." I was nervous. And cold. But I did as he asked.

"Lie back," he said, then he twisted the blanket into kind of a loose rope.

He put it around my hands and had me put my hands up over my head.

"Let me show you something." He said. "Try to get your hands apart."

I did, and they came apart easily.

"You aren't tied to anything, and it's just a loose knot around your wrists. You can get out any time you want. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Brian."

"I only have control because you give it to me. I can only do what you let me. Understand?"

"Yes, Brian."

He retied the blanket.

"Now choose. A or B."

"A." I said.

"Good choice."

He picked up one of his shirts and folded it to fit over my eyes. It smelled like him. He tucked it under my head.

"What was B?" I asked.

"One of yours," he grinned.

"I'm glad I picked yours."

"I thought you would be. Now stop talking. Do you remember the safe words?"

"Yes, Brian."

He touched my face and trailed his fingers down my throat and chest. I was getting goosebumps. He brought his hand to my face and ran a finger across my mouth. I was starting to feel Spacey already, and he had barely touched me.

"You look so beautiful there," he told me. "Don't move. I'm only leaving you to get a few things. I will still be able to see and hear you in case you get scared."

I nodded. He didn't scold me for not answering him, just kissed me.

"Good girl."

I heard him in the kitchen. I think he opened every cabinet and drawer in there, including the refrigerator.

"What are you looking for?" I called to him.

"Shhh. Just wait."

I had lost the sense of time. I had no idea how long he had been gone. I could hear him, but he was starting to feel far away. It was making me uncomfortable.

"Bri?" I called out.

"Yes, baby, I'm right here," he answered me.

I felt the weight on the bed shift as he sat next to me. He was touching me again. I wanted to kiss him. But I wanted to play by the rules and be good, so I didn't. I got so nervous knowing he was right next to me and probably looking at me.

"You are being very good for me," he said.

More shivers. He was very good at this talking thing.

I heard him moving, then felt him touch something cold on my stomach. He trailed it up my body and over my breasts, one then the other, always followed by him licking where it had been.

He brought it to my face. I knew what it was now. I could smell it was a strawberry! Or a piece of a strawberry. He ran it over my lips, but then took it away.

"Can I have it?" I asked.

"No, baby. I don't want you to choke on anything. But if you are good I will give you some after."

I licked what I could get off my lips. He kissed me and he tasted like strawberries. I pouted because he wouldn't let me have any.

"Behave."

"I'm trying to, but it's really fucking difficult."

"Language, Marissa. And try harder."

I felt the bed shift again. Then something freezing cold dripped on my stomach.

Ice.

He let it drip a few more times then immediately licked the spot where the cold water had been. The change in temperature made me shiver. I tried to be quiet and still but I knew I was going to fail.

I felt him move closer to me. He brought the ice to my mouth and ran it over my lips. I stuck my tongue out to catch some of it.

"Feeling good, baby?" He asked.

I nodded. I wasn't sure if I could get words from my brain to my mouth.

"Words, love. I need to know you are still with me. You are drifting a bit."

"Just a little spacy. I'm still with you."

"What's your color, love?"

"Green, Brian."

"Good girl," he said again. "I love when you remember to say my name."

I felt him move again. He touched my thigh with something. It felt hot. Like burning hot. He then dragged it over my thigh. It felt sharp, scraping on my leg. I felt dripping, and immediately started to freak out.

"Yellow, Brian, yellow please stop I can't ---"

"Shhhh baby it's ok," he took the shirt from my face so I could see him.

"It was a spoon. See?" He held up a metal spoon. "Just a spoon."

He pressed it into my hand so I could feel it and hold it.

"Bad spoon," he scolded it, and I started giggling. "I will never do anything that will cause you harm. Ever."

He took my hands out of the blanket rope and kissed each one of them.

"I'm sorry." I ruined it. I had freaked out over a stupid spoon.

"No, baby. I am so proud of you for telling me when you got scared.

"It felt hot. Why did it feel hot?"

"Sometimes our senses get mixed up. It was with the ice, so it was very cold."

I shivered.

And I still felt really dumb for freaking out over a spoon.

He touched my face. "You did so well, baby. I am very proud of you."

"Really?" I sniffed.

Do Not Cry, I told myself.

"Absolutely," he answered me.

I smiled and he pulled me into a hug.

"Were you having fun before the spoon incident?"

"I was," I said.

"Good."


	11. Time Is Weird

I should have been sleepy, but I had way too much energy.

I felt like I had drunk a hundred cups of coffee.

My caffeine intake had been drastically reduced since I had known Brian, so it must have just been endorphins. Again.

"You are too cute," Brian said to me.

I groaned and rolled my eyes at him. "Nope. Not cute. Don't wanna be cute."

I jumped off the bed and quickly made my way to look in the bathroom mirror.

"Still not cute!" I called out. Maybe I really should get a new hair style. Or contacts.

I started playing with my hair, parting it on the other side, then gathering it all into a ponytail. I frowned into the mirror, shaking my hair out. Giggling, I started singing, not realizing I was doing it out loud.

 _"I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth_."

I could see Brian in the mirror laughing at me.

"How many songs are there about hair anyway?" I asked.

"I don't think very many," he answered.

"Now you," I pointed my brush at him from the mirror, "you have beautiful hair. My hair has only three states: frizzy, crunchy, or dirty."

"Stop, your hair is lovely, Marissa."

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's only half ten."

"What does that even mean? Is it half _past_ ten, or half _before_ ten?"

He smiled. "It means half past. It's 10:30."

"Time is weird." I sat down.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, why do we have time anyway? Who decided to have it? Time isn't even real. We live in a universe with dimensions, so we experience time, but really there is no past or future, only now. So why don't we experience it that way? Just _now_."

I shuffled myself back so I was sitting next to him.

I continued. "I mean, we know how to go forward in time. We just can't do it yet. But why can't we go back in time? Length, width, depth, are all fluid. Things can become bigger or smaller. So why does time only move in one direction?"

"It's a good question," he told me. "There are a lot of theories. You should do some reading."

"All I do is read." I answered.

I jumped off the bed and grabbed a pen.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm writing a note to future me. So if we feel bad in the morning, we know it's ok and only the endorphin thing."

"We?"

"Well, future me is not the same as present me. Unless, you know, that time thing. If I am thirsty and drink water, that creates an entirely new dimension from the me that drinks juice. Like, every time you make a decision, you create all the possibilities. We only know this part of the universe. There are infinite choices made every day, so there must be infinite universes."

He looked at me and blinked.

"Yes, I think _way_ too much," I told him.

I thought and wrote down some scribbles, then read it to Brian.

_Dear future me,_

_Every thing is ok. If you feel bad in the morning, it is just endorphins, and don't get pissy again because you don't feel good. Eat something chocolate._

_Love,_

_Present me. (Which will be past me when you read this.)_

_PS. Brian listened to me (you?) talk about time and didn't think it was stupid nonsense rambling. He is really smart and into that weird science stuff._

_Love, (again)_

Me, from the past.

He smiled at me as I taped the note to the bathroom mirror.


	12. A Fairy Tale

"Come back to bed, Marissa."

I had just taped my note to Future Me on the bathroom mirror.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I asked you to."

Damn. When he spoke like that I got shivers.

My mood changed instantly from silly to full-on pay attention to Brian mode.

"Tell me what you are thinking?." He insisted.

I was confused. I stood in the middle of the room, paying too much attention to a freckle on my hand. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say.

"Please come sit down. We still need to talk about this."

Yeah, I ruined it. I sat on the edge of the bed.

"I really wish you weren't so afraid of me."

"I'm not, exactly." I answered him. "There's just so much that's new. I don't want to disappoint you because I don't know what to do."

"No, love, you will never disappoint me. Besides," he grinned, "I get to teach you all kinds of fun stuff."

That made me laugh. He ran his fingers through my hair and I pressed my body closer to him.

"You tired, love?"

Actually I really was. I nodded.

"Come get under the covers then. You do need to sleep."

I crawled under the comforter and rested my head on his chest.

"Bri?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Tell me a story."

"A story. Hmmmm." He thought.

_"Okay once there was a princess. She was very kind and everyone loved her. Her mum died when she was a baby, so it was just her and the king._

_"Every day she would bring food to the poor people in the village._

_"When she was 16, the king got married to a horrible woman. She tried to stop the princess from helping the villagers, but the king let the princess continue. This made the king's wife very angry._

_"One day, the king took the princess aside and gave her an old, rusted key._

_"Keep this key on you at all times," he told her. "Don't let anyone take it. When it is the right time, you will understand."_

_"She took the key and hid it in her clothing. She told nobody about it._

_"Not long after, the king was poisoned and died. The whole kingdom thought the king's wife was to blame, but there was no proof. Without the king, she became very cruel to the princess. But even that didn't change the princess's kind heart._

_"On her 18th birthday, an old man came to the castle and led the princess to a secret cottage in the forest. The door was locked. The man told her to use the key the king gave her. She was surprised anyone knew about the key. It unlocked the door. The whole cottage was full of riches and jewels._

_"This is all yours," he told her. "Your father hid all the royal treasure here. Everything at the castle is fake, because he didn't trust his wife. You are the Queen now."_

_"The princess knew what she had to do. She chose one gem and brought it to her father's wife. She told her that everything in the castle was fake except the gem she was holding._

_"She said, 'I am now the queen. I will give you this one gem if you leave the kingdom and never return.'_

_"The woman left and was never seen again. And everyone lived happily ever after because the new queen had a kind heart and took care of all the villagers._

_"The end."_

I yawned and fought to stay awake.

"Then what happened?"

He smiled at me.

"Why don't you tell me what happens next, in the morning. Let's get some sleep."

He reached over and turned off the lamp. I fell asleep almost immediately.


	13. Kenny and Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I added some characters just for levity and to give more dimension to Marissa. This chapter isn't really important, but I really enjoyed writing it.

The phone woke me up.

I looked at my watch. Not even 7 am.

I groaned. Who calls someone this early? I stretched over and grabbed my phone from the bedside table, noticing Brian wasn't in bed.

I looked at the caller display.

Kenny. What the actual hell is he calling me so early for? I pressed the answer button. "Kenny, what the fuck? Do you even know what time it is? I hope it's important."

"Oh girl it is SO important!" Kenny giggled. I rolled my eyes.

He continued. "You'll never guess where I was last night!" I yawned.

"Nor do I want to. Call me in a few hours."

"Oh but Marissa I will simply _burst_ if I don't tell someone! You know that music festival Chase and I were totally dying to go to? Tickets were gone in an hour. No go for us. We were so totally bummed."

I giggled and interrupted him. "Kenny you sound like a Valley Girl. And this better be a good story."

"I _am_ a Valley Girl darling. Anyway, Steve, you know Steve, my boss, totally straight and white bread but he's a good guy, he had back stage passes! His wife's labor started and he wanted to be there, thank God Chase and I won't have to do that --"

"Kenny!" I interrupted him. "Please get to the point."

"Oh poo you are no fun. You need to get laid darling. I know some straight men in NY. I could set -- "

"Dammit Kenny. You woke me up, I haven't had caffeine yet, and I'm losing patience with this."

"Okay sheesh, take a chill pill. So anyway, we went. And you won't ever guess who was there! The Queen herself, Madonna! I could have died! Like literally just died!"

"Did you talk to her?" Kenny has been in love with Madonna since before I knew him.

"Oh _heaven's_ no darling. The Queen wouldn't have any reason to be on the same _planet_ as me, let alone talk to me. But for a few seconds we were in the same room! Breathing the same air! I have been blessed!"

Just then the front door opened and Brian came in carrying 2 grocery bags. "Hey I'm back! It's so beautiful outside, we should ... Oh! Sorry I didn't see you were using the phone."

"Who is that?" Kenny started to interrogate me. "Why is he letting himself into your apartment? O M G Marissa did you have a date? Did he spend the night? You had sex didn't you?"

He shouted, "Chase! Marissa had sex!"

"Kenny, please stop," I tried to say but he had already given the phone to Chase.

"Who is he?" Chase almost yelled into the phone. I had to pull it away from my ear.

"Nobody you know," I answered.

"Where did you meet him? What does he do? If he hurts you I will kill him."

I sighed. "In the hospital, he's a musician and no he won't hurt me. Don't you have some more glory-basking to do now or something?"

Brian smiled at me. "Take your time love, I'll put the food away."

"He's English!? Kenny! She had sex with an _English_ musician!"

"Oh my God, you guys I can't take it. Stop."

"Please tell me he doesn't play guitar. Please tell me he plays clarinet in an orchestra somewhere."

"Actually -"

"Put your phone on speaker so he can hear us," Chase demanded.

I knew this was probably a bad idea but did it any way.

"They want to talk to both of us," I said, putting the phone down so we both could hear.

"Yes, I'm here," Brian said politely."

"You! Guitar player! I don't trust you. I know guitar players. Hell, I _am_ a guitar player."

"I assure you," Brian started, "Marissa is perfectly safe."

"She better be. Are you any good anyway? At guitar?"

"Fairly good I'd say," Brian answered.

I covered my mouth with both hands to stop laughing.

"Well don't expect us to give you any help in this business just because you know Marissa. You have to work your way up the ladder just like everyone else!"

I couldn't take anymore without laughing.

"Chase stop. He's not using me to get to you. He's happy doing what he does."

"Probably in some crappy low life dive bar band. Hope he has a day job. Be careful Marissa."

"I always am. Gotta go guys. Glad you met rock royalty. Must feel amazing. Talk to you soon."

I disconnected. Brian and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.


	14. Jupiter part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian gets a call from Roger

I tried to go back to sleep, as it was really early. Brian's phone started to ring. And ring. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head to drown out the sound. As soon as it stopped, my phone started ringing. 

I picked it up.

"I swear to God why are you people calling me at the crack of dawn?"

"Uh, hi, I'm trying to reach Brian. Is he there? He isn't answering his phone."

"He's in the shower. Can I give him a message?"

"No that's ok, I'll try back in a few. Say, are you Marsha? He's talked about you."

"Marissa. And when did he mention me? And what did he say?" 

"Only good things, trust me."

"I don't even know who I am taking to, and you ask for trust? You know who I am, obviously."

"I'm Roger. But you can call me, well, Roger I suppose, since you're Brian's girl."

"He told you I was his girl? Oh we need to have a talk."

I heard Roger snicker. "Go easy on him. He really has it bad for you."

The water stopped running.

"We have talked about this." I told Roger.

"Speaking of," he interrupted me, "is he taking care of you? In every way?"

I didn't know how to answer that. "Um--"

"That means no. Put him on the phone."

Brian was just coming out of the bathroom, his curls dripping water on my floor. 

I handed the phone to Brian. "What did you say to her, you bloody wanker?" He yelled at his friend.

I lost it in a fit of giggles. I went to the kitchen in search of my morning Diet Pepsi and decided that was my new catch phrase. 

Driver cuts me off as I'm trying to cross the street - "you bloody wanker!"

The annoying phone calls I get - "I don't even have a car, why do I need insurance, bloody wanker?"

I could hear Brian's side of the conversation.

"No Rog, it's morning. London is 6 hours ahead of New York, not behind. Yes. Yes I'm sure. Really, it's daytime here. Ok. I will talk to you later. Bye Rog."

He handed my phone back to me.

I peeked in the grocery bags, still sitting on the table. Brian must be creating some vegetarian delight. I think every vegetable known to man was in the bag. Not a bit of chocolate in sight.

"Out of the bag." He scolded me.

"My kitchen." 

"My food."

Okay, he had me there. 

"What are you making?" I asked. "I'm supposed to eat protein at every meal. Veggies are nice but not enough protein."

"I got eggs and cheese for you. Plus I'll add whatever veggies you like. And bread. For toast." He rifled through the bags. "Let's see, orange juice, strawberries, pineapple, and if you're good there is a chocolate bar."

"How good? And until when?" I wanted that chocolate.

"I get to decide that."

Damn he was demanding.

"So, I had an idea," he started. "Does your cycler have to be run during the night, or could you do it earlier and have the night free?"

"I never thought about it." I told him. "I suppose I could get on this afternoon. Why?"

"I want to take you somewhere. Show you something."

"At night?!"

"Yes. Make sure you dress warm. Now," he grinned. "What do you want with your eggs?"


	15. Jupiter part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian takes Marissa stargazing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Brenda T for teaching me how country girls go stargazing!

"Marissa, it's time to wake up," Brian said softly, running his hand through my hair. I could get used to waking up like this. 

I had decided to take a nap in the evening, since apparently we were going to be out very late.

"What time is it?" I asked him, yawning.

"It's only half nine. The sun just went down. Put on something warm so we can go."

I sat up and realized I was hungry. Really hungry. "Can I eat first?"

"Nope. I have snacks in the car."

Great. Brian's idea of snacks is probably hay and leaves covered with lemon slices. Why can't he eat a turkey sandwich like a normal person?

I got dressed and we went outside. Brian gestured toward a brand new large pick up truck. 

"Where did this come from?"

"Rental." He answered.

"I'm confused. Why are we in a truck? Where is your car? Where are we going?"

"The car was a rental and I just switched it for the truck. And be patient."

"I'm grumpy when I'm hungry," I said.

"There's snacks in the back seat."

I reached around and grabbed the bag, taking an inventory of its contents. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, cheese sticks, an apple, bottle of water, not bad. No hay or leaves. 

It was getting really dark outside. "Where are we going?" I asked again.

"You'll see." 

I sighed in frustration. "You know, I saw the cooler in the back. If you are taking me to some deserted cabin to harvest my organs, they aren't viable because of my kidneys."

He laughed. "Marissa, stop. You are perfectly safe. We are almost there anyway. Have some chocolate."

"There's chocolate? I didn't see any chocolate. Why did you give me peanut butter and jelly if you had chocolate?"

"Because chocolate isn't a meal. Look under your seat."

He had stashed a lunch bag with chocolates, and an ice pack so they wouldn't melt. 

"Ooh the good kind," I said popping one into my mouth. "Want one?" I asked him.

He opened his mouth for me to feed it to him. I brought the candy to him, but instead of letting me take my hand away, he sucked my finger into his mouth and scraped it with his tongue and teeth. 

God, he was so hot.

"Problem, Marissa?" He asked me, smirking.

"No." Yes.

"We're here," he announced, pulling the truck off the road.

"Here? There is nothing here." I was beyond annoyed. 

"Relax. Just get out and get in the back."

"If this is some kinky outside public sex thing ---"

I didn't get to finish. "Marissa, stop." He got out and started making a bed with blankets and pillows. 

"Those are mine." I pouted.

"You can have them back. Just get in."

I decided, what the hell. There was enough Brian dna in my apartment to convict him if he really was planning on harvesting my organs. 

"Bloody wanker," I said, under my breath, as I climbed up into the truck bed. 

"What was that?" He asked, with the amused dominant Brian voice. 

"Nothing." I answered, innocently.

"That's what I thought." He gave me the look. You know, THE look. The one that makes you shiver inside.

"Look up," he told me.

I looked up and gasped. The sky was pitch black. There must have been a million stars shining brilliantly. 

"Wait for it," he told me. 

I continued to watch the sky. Suddenly, a trail of white light zoomed across the sky. Then another. 

"Oh Brian, wow." 

He had brought me to see a meteor shower. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. One after another, streaking over us. 

He smiled at me. "I thought you would like it."

He took my hand and we laid back on the blankets and watched the sky. After awhile Brian told me to wait while he got something from the inside. 

He came back with a large case and started assembling a telescope. Seriously, who carries around a telescope in their truck?

"Is that yours?" I asked.

"Nope." He answered.

"Where is it from?"

"The college."

"They just let people borrow telescopes?"

"No. But they let me. I think they figured I would take care of their equipment."

Right. Doctor Brian May. Astrophysics.

"What are you looking for?"

"Give me a second to find it." He continued to look through the lens.

"Okay, come look," he told me.

I got up and peered through the lens. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. "Holy crap that's Jupiter!"

"It is," he said calmly.

"I can really see it. It's actually there. I mean, I knew it was there, but seeing it, just wow. That is amazing!" I knew I was rambling, but couldn't stop myself. "Where is it, Brian?" I asked. "Jupiter. Can you see it without the telescope? Where is it?"

"You can, but it mostly looks like a large star unless you know what you are looking at. I'll show you."

He moved to sit behind me, straddling his long legs around me, his chest to my back. "If you look in the constellation, wait -- I'll draw it for you. It's easier." He pulled out a small notepad and drew out a series of stars then connected them into a shape. "Can you find this in the sky?"

"Yes, I see it!" I was excited.

"Jupiter is right here." He added it to his map.

"Amazing," I was at a loss for words. "It's all so beautiful. I can see why you love it so much."

"There's so much I want to show you, Marissa. I want to show you the stars and the moon and the ocean and everything in between. If you will have me."


End file.
